Understanding the 8 Stages of De-escalation Through the Lens of Connection
By Janine Kelly
For many years, behaviour guidance has focused on one question:
"How do we stop the behaviour?"
As educators, we've searched for strategies, behaviour charts, consequences and reward systems, hoping to find the one approach that will make difficult behaviours disappear.
But after more than 30 years working alongside children, educators and leadership teams, I've come to believe we've been asking the wrong question.
Instead of asking how we stop behaviour...
Perhaps we should be asking:
"Where is this child on their regulation journey, and what do they need from me right now?"
That question became the foundation of the 8 Stages of De-escalation Journey.
Behaviour doesn't suddenly appear.
It builds.
Long before a child reaches a point of crisis, there are subtle cues that tell us something is changing.
A child who becomes quieter than usual.
A child who begins pacing the room.
A child who repeatedly seeks sensory input.
A child who withdraws from their peers.
These are not behaviours to be corrected.
They are invitations for us to become curious.
When we recognise these early stages, we have an opportunity to respond with connection before the child reaches a point of overwhelm.
Looking Beyond the Behaviour
One of the greatest shifts educators tell me they experience after learning the 8 Stages is that they stop seeing behaviour as a problem to solve.
Instead, they begin to see behaviour as communication.
This changes everything.
Rather than reacting to what they see, educators begin responding to what the child is experiencing.
Instead of asking,
"How do I stop this?"
they begin asking,
"How can I support this child right now?"
That simple shift transforms not only children's experiences, but the confidence educators feel in those challenging moments.
A Shared Language for the Whole Team
One of the greatest strengths of the 8 Stages framework is that it creates a shared language across an entire service.
When every educator understands the journey of escalation and de-escalation, responses become more consistent.
Conversations become more reflective.
Leadership becomes more supportive.
Teams move away from blame and towards collaboration.
Rather than asking,
"Who handled that situation correctly?"
teams begin asking,
"What stage do we think the child was experiencing, and how might we respond together next time?"
That is where meaningful professional growth begins.
Throughout my work, one message continues to guide everything I do.
Children cannot learn when they do not feel safe.
And they cannot regulate alone.
Before we guide behaviour...
Before we teach expectations...
Before we reflect on what happened...
We must first connect.
Connection is not the reward after behaviour improves.
It is the pathway that helps behaviour improve.
Join the Journey
This September and October, I am excited to launch my new hybrid professional learning experience:
Behaviour & Regulation: The Complete Journey
Together, we'll explore the complete 8 Stages of De-escalation, giving educators practical tools, a shared language and greater confidence to respond thoughtfully during challenging moments.
This isn't another behaviour management workshop.
It is an opportunity to rethink behaviour through the lens of connection, co-regulation and reflective practice.
Every participating educator will receive a Certificate of Participation, and every service will receive the 8 Stages Reflection Poster Set and Behaviour Guidance Poster Set, ensuring the learning continues long after the workshop has finished.
If you're ready to move beyond managing behaviour and begin understanding it, I'd love to welcome your team on this journey.
Because when we understand behaviour differently…
We respond differently.
And when we respond differently…
Children experience something every one of us deserves:
Connection.
🌿 Let's Continue the Conversation
If this article has encouraged you to see behaviour through a different lens, I'd love to invite you to continue the conversation with us.
Join educators from around the world at the STEPPING STONES Professional Development for ECEs – Connection at the Heart of Practice International Online Conference on Saturday, 24 October 2026.
Together, we'll explore how connection, regulation, reflective practice and meaningful relationships can transform the way we support children, families and one another.
Whether you're an educator, Educational Leader, Director or Approved Provider, this conference has been designed to inspire, challenge and empower you with practical ideas that can be implemented immediately within your own learning community.
Because professional learning isn't simply about gaining new strategies.
It's about changing the way we think.
It's about strengthening relationships.
And it's about building learning communities where both children and educators can thrive.
We'd love you to be part of the conversation.
Register today and join us as we place Connection at the Heart of Practice.
About the Author
Janine Kelly is the Founder and CEO of STEPPING STONES Professional Development for ECEs and has supported educators across Australia and Canada for more than 30 years. As the author of The Connected Child and creator of the framework,
CONNECT • REGULATE • GUIDE • REFLECT
Janine is passionate about helping educators build relationship-centred practice where behaviour is understood through the lens of connection, co-regulation and reflective reflection.